Day 2: Was it a dream?

After a restless first night after hearing my cancer diagnosis, day 2 was an emotional roller coaster. There was a part of me that struggled to accept it was true. Then much of my day was spent trying to find distractions and other ways to continue on as if everything was normal. These moments popped up a lot throughout the day, and every time reality set back in, I felt frustrated. I wanted to forget about it. I didn't want to be reminded over and over again. I just want some normalcy.

I had a plan for the day, which helped. I was going to meet my dad and brother-in-law at the tile store to pick up more supplies for my bathroom renovation. You might be thinking it was a bad time to gut my bathroom, but how was I to know this news was coming? The three of us went to a number of building supply stores for most of the morning, and for the most part, I was able to put the "C" word out of my mind. It popped into my head when I saw my dad for the first time, and he put his arm around me. Again, no words necessary... just a touching sentiment of support and love. That was all I needed.

I wanted my phone to ring. I wanted to know more information.  How long before the colposcopy appointment??

When we all got home with the building supplies, the guys delved in. My sister was also home from work, so I was with people all day. In some ways that was great, and in other ways, I needed to be alone. I decided to go nap for a bit, having only had a few hours of sleep. Again, it was tough, but I managed to get in about 1/2 an hour of sleep.

I still had no appetite, and struggled to eat anything for most of the day. I ate a bit here and there, but I think emotional stress was taking my appetite away. I drank lots of green tea instead.

I spent some time reading some information on the BC Cancer Agency and American Cancer Society websites. I would recommend reading this document if you're looking for some accurate information on the treatment process, eating recommendations, types of cancer cells, support options, and survival rates.

My mom came over to visit later in the day, and so most of my family was here. Things seemed normal, but I also knew that everyone was still thinking about it, even if they weren't saying anything. It was never far from our minds. I was still feeling moments of guilt thinking that I had somehow done something to make this happen. Could I have prevented this? Was it environmental? Genetic?? I ruled out genetics, since there was no history of this in my family. These thoughts aren't helpful, I realize. Keeping those thoughts at bay is not easy, however.

I also received some support messages from friends/family who now knew. I came to the realization that I didn't want to receive an onslaught of messages of support day after day. I need my moments of life without thinking about it. If I get lots of messages and calls, then I can never find escape. I need some moments of escape. I am still alive and feel healthy ... I need to remain in that head space as much as possible in the weeks to come.  

So here's how my friends and family can support me:

1. Follow and comment on this blog.
2. Send positive vibes and healing energy my way. Visualize the future with me hearing good news. Even if you don't believe in this... I do, so that's helpful.
3. Give support to my family and close friends who are also a part of this journey.
4. Don't be afraid to talk about it in my presence. No need to feel uncomfortable. It shouldn't be a taboo topic.
5. Don't send me information about cancer (ie: alternative treatments, healthy eating, etc). I am well-equipped to do my own research and don't want to feel overwhelmed.