Day 3: What is the right way to tell people?

With news that is difficult, the question of how and when to tell others is challenging. On the one hand, this is a personal journey, and I don't want all my interactions to become awkward if I tell people. On the other hand, it's good for people to know what you're going through so they can offer support if you need it. As for the choosing the right time... well, maybe there isn't a right time. For me, I knew I had to tell some folks at work since they would be 'covering' for me while I'm off, and would wonder where I was. It's hard to justify telling work colleagues and not other relatives and friends. So that's how I justified my decision. I don't want it plastered on Facebook, though ... even though a blog is public, it's a different type of public - very focused on those who truly want to read  my story.

Today's biggest challenge has been to continue waiting for the phone to ring. I want to get to the colposcopy appointment. Not knowing the details is really tough on my psyche. I found myself wavering between "maybe it's more serious than I think" ... to ... "things will be totally fine and I have nothing to worry about".

I am continually thinking about my body and honing in on how I'm feeling. Did I miss something? Does that little pang mean something? Does my lack of appetite mean something? It's crazy what the brain does in these moments.  I even thought that my body has betrayed me. How could this happen, when I'm not even remotely in the high risk category?? I'm not overweight, I don't smoke, I haven't had children ... all of which are contributors. I even thought that the test results must've been mixed up or incorrect. It must be a false positive, I thought. Then reality takes over, and I realize that although none of this makes sense, I have to accept where I am today.

If nothing else, I am pragmatic.

I have relatives coming into town this weekend. I am somewhat apprehensive about that, as I don't want to ruin their visit. Again, I find myself wanting to protect the emotional state of others for some reason. I also worry that I will break into tears unexpectedly. Who wants to be the downer at the party?? Not me! But that is likely part of the journey ahead. So be it. I am going to give myself permission to cry when I need to.

I received some great, encouraging messages today. Even some funny ones which was unexpected, but so needed. Life goes on... that means still enjoying each moment when you can. A laugh. A song. A movie. A walk in the sun. Whatever life has to give as a reprieve from the unwelcome thoughts, they must be enjoyed and appreciated.... and not just under these circumstances.

As I head off to sleep, I am going to listen to some guided meditations that a friend recommended. I’m hoping it will put my thoughts in the right place in order to fall asleep.